Comedic Ramblings at 2am.

Writing about difficult situations

Hey this is comedy right! Comedy! Is it right to find comedy in difficult situations? There’s comedy in everything right? But, how as a comic, do you deal with it? This is a question I have been asking myself a lot recently.

There is so much horrible shit in the world right now, people just want to come out and escape from it right? Is comedy going to change anything? What makes change anyway? What is change?

“Oh, this is so philosophical and not funny at all,” I hear you and my inner voice screaming.

Does protest change the world? Does comedy? Probably not, BUT it raises awareness. It puts issues into a context that people who might not have been exposed to a particular situation may not have experienced. It makes people feel awkward, embarrassed in some situations and it makes people think about what they are being exposed to in a roundabout way. Audiences are not stupid (mostly) and they think about what I say, because I definitely do.

Writing about big issues is a huge responsibly. It could be argued it’s easier because it is not so personal, it’s based on third hand experiences. Even though those experiences may and do feel very real and have a profound emotional affect on me as a person and as a comedian, can I truly say I relate directly to them? Of course not. I am not sitting in a tent wondering if I am going to have a massive bomb drop on me while I sleep. I am not a person battling with my gender.

And yet, over the past year have written bits about the above, because they’ve have a profound emotional effect on me, and I do have an actual connection with. And yet, I’ve never performed them. Both bits that are analogies of the relevant situation.The analogies make them funny, because the analogies are ridiculous, where the situations themselves are deadly serious.

Am I in any position to turn these extremely difficult and complex situations into a comedic part of my set?

I want to be opinionated as a comic. I don’t want to do knob jokes, though I admit there are occasions when they slip in ;-), but it’s an interesting journey creatively and emotionally to have a comedic opinion on something deadly serious.

For context, I am going to put a little snippet of each piece below, they will probably never get performed, they are still work in progress, but maybe, just maybe the writing experience, the general gist of what I am trying to say, will come across. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I should develop them into full bits. Only time will tell.

Please remember, these are unfinished, in progress, incomplete. If you want to know why they are personal to me, please contact me directly and I can explain.

BOX - extract

When I was growing up I wanted to be a cardboard box.

I really like boxes, even to this day. They have intrinsic value to me and I love the sound they make, you know when the flaps rub together.

So anyway, I wanted to be a cardboard box so I thought the best thing I could do was to get a big box from Amazon and wear it so I least looked like a box and people would know I was a box.

I cut holes for my legs and arms so my head popped out of the top. I kind of looked like a robot but I felt more like a box. What I was wearing made me feel a bit more like a box.

But it still wasn’t working for me. Even though I looked like a box inside I still felt like me. So I thought I needed to put something inside the box. To change me on the inside. So I felt like a box more to the core. So I went to Boots and went round the back, where they throw out all the old drugs, the ones that could be ok but they don’t know because they haven’t tested them. So I got all these bottles of untested drugs and I put them in the box. Now when I jumped up and down or moved I sounded more like a box. Like something was coming from the inside.

So now I looked like a box on the outside and sounded like a box but it still wasn’t good enough, so I tried to work out what the problem was, and I realised boxes don’t have legs! They bothered me. It was distracting from all the other box like changes I’d made and they were getting in the way.

DO ALIENS EXIST? - extract

Now look, I’m going to do something I don’t normally do here, which is to talk about a subject that’s a bit controversial.

It’s all over the news, different sides have different opinions and it can get quite heated. I mean it’s being going on since the 1940s, which is crazy and yet we still don’t have answers.

Depending on who you listen to, many people have been taken, abducted, disappeared, you know… a lot of people think there’s a coverup! They think that the Americans are really in control… but it’s a difficult subject.

But I really do want to talk about it! I think it’s important. It keeps me up at night. I mean, do aliens exist?

It’s a horrible situation right, not knowing. Not knowing the truth. Not knowing if your government is part of a big conspiracy. The media don’t report on certain things. The only place you can really find out about aliens, is from from the people who are there, on the ground, looking up. In the case of the aliens, I guess it would be cows looking up. Because you know, the aliens apparently mutilate cows.

They aliens come into the fields, over the fences, through the fences, they got into fields that really it should be impossible for them to get into, and they come in, and they apparently mutilate cows. I mean there are a few photos of mutilated cows, but really there isn’t a conclusive evidence.

And we the public, we’re desperate for more information about the aliens and if the cow mutilations are true. The public are shouting at the politicians about the aliens and the cows – they want to know the truth. But the politicians, with all the power, they just talk about how really, it is the farmer that should be upset.

The politicians just keep talking about how the farmer has the right to defend his fields from the aliens, but they are not considering all the badgers and other wildlife that are getting killed in the process of the farmer defending his fields. He has the right to defend his fields the politicians are saying! But now, even the National Farmers Union have got involved and they are saying that actually, they think that the farmers are taking carte blanche the, “you have the right to defend your fields” statement, as permission to do whatever they want and just kill all the rest of the wildlife.

No booze noodlings.

I’ve been musing over several new bits involving bags for life, cow juice, aliens and the crisis in the middle east, time and the meaning of life. All the normal things a comedian should think about, but not necessarily in that order.

Looking back at what I just wrote makes me somewhat worried about myself and the state of the world. How are they all connected? Are they connected and if so, how much cow juice can one get in a bag for life anyway?

What is the shelf life of a bag for life filled with cow juice? Is it the time it takes for the juice to curdle, the bag to disintegrate, or for the owner to pop off this mortal coil? And to that point, what the hell is a mortal coil?

Goggling….

So apparently, “coil” refers to ones troubles and strife, it’s olde English. Of course Shakespeare used it and, as Upstart Crow would say, he invented it. But he didn’t, same way as I didn’t invent humour about bags for life. For gods sake I saw bloody Cartman having a moment with one on South Park the other week.

But where is all this leading? Into a vortex of unrelated and somewhat disjointed prose? Well that has already happened. I’m just glad I got to use the word vortex and prose in one sentence.

To be honest it’s all probably related to me giving up the old sauce, the booze, the hooch, the grog, the snifters! I’ve got way to much time on my hands is what I am saying. Now where’s TikTok?
I performed at a Roast Battle recently, against a 21 year old Scottish guy called Hamish. Here are my roast jokes as they're no use for anything else anymore!

1. At the age of 21, Hamish isn’t old enough to have any good life experiences to use in his Comedy, that’s why he shot his parents, fucked his sister and raped a haggis. 

2. Hamish is very proud of being Scottish, that’s why he decided to follow the Scottish dream and become unemployed and homeless, in England.

3. Hamish says he’s straight with no girlfriend, he has also been gay with no boyfriend and bi with desperation.

4. Hamish runs a lot because he used to be really fat, the running isn’t helping, but he’s further away so looks smaller.

5. Scottish Hamish told me he has three passions in life, his hoodies, his clan and black women. And he wonders why he’s still single.

BU - Hamish says he’s being doing comedy for two years now with a terrible bomb to kill ratio, I guess the Israeli Defence Force will take anyone these days!

I wrote some bits for The Daily Mash, which they didn't like, so here they are for your delectation.

Taylor Swift to swim English Channel.

As a publicity stunt for her current US ‘Eras’ Tour, in which the birdlike songstress appears to swim from the stage out into the audience, Taylor Swift has announced that she will swim the English Channel for charity.


Apple Vision Pro to finally gives kids of the 80s X-Ray Specs.

For those of us who grew up in the 80s, the classic comics of the day always advertised X-Ray Specs. The glasses costing only £4.99 plus postage and packing, purported to give the teen-wearer the ability to peer inappropriately through clothing. Apple’s chief Cook, Tim, announced the i-Ray Spec App as part of the companies recent event, with a youthful glint in his all seeing eyes.

Donald Trump reveals history of family name at rally.

Ex-president and soon to become next president of the United States, Donald Trump, has unexpectedly revealed the history of the Trump name. The famously introspective finger pointer announced that his family come from a long line of trunk hunters. After being heckled by a Biden fanatic, Trump defended the trunk hunting, as unlike ivory merchants, trunk hunters do not kill the elephant, rather just remove the trunk, which according to Trump, “Grows back bigger and better than the one their before. It’s incredible.”

British summer can only mean road chaos.

The British summer is upon us and it can only mean one thing - purchasing cherries from roadside vendors. It’s an undisclosed fact that one of the main reasons for traffic chaos on the UK’s roads during the summer months, is cherry mad chefs. Desperate for the carbon covered red flavour bombs, the pie mad cooks will drive for miles, sometimes behind caravans, just to get the best sun shrivelled, diesel soot covered fruit. 

Football to adopt new level of refereeing.

With the introduction of VAR to football, FIFA had hoped the technology would lead to a reduction of anxiety levels in fans around the world and hence lower the consumption of alcohol at matches. Unfortunately, FIFA Chief and small baby impersonator Gianni Infantino, failed to gauge the level of distrust in machines by team chanters. In an attempt to recover from the failed move, FIFA have created a specially genetically modified hamster variant to keep exact tabs on the game from within the ball. After complaints from animal rights groups, Infantino issued a statement which explained, “…that while it might seem cruel, it is obvious from extensive research on TikTok, that hamsters love spinning at high velocity and being fired off in random directions.”

Loudspeakers are just too loud.

Since Alexander Graham Bell invented the first loudspeaker in 1876, the pumping pieces of cardboard have entertained listeners with the wonders of techno, Jungle techno, Hardcore techno, Acid techno, Techno techno and more recently Lego techno. Today however, it was admitted by the Audio Engineering Society that loudspeakers might just be too loud. “Loudspeakers have got a bad rap over the last few decades, and with this in mind we have decided to rebrand loudspeakers as ‘quiettalkers’,” explained head of marketing Jan Hannity at a press conference whispered over a large PA.